


The Man-Eating Stag of Hyperion

by jenny_wren



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-08
Updated: 2013-11-08
Packaged: 2017-12-31 20:15:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 694
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1035933
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jenny_wren/pseuds/jenny_wren
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Contrary to the popular opinion of a later generation, it wasn’t Peter who objected to his animagus form.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Man-Eating Stag of Hyperion

Contrary to the popular opinion of a later generation, it wasn’t Peter who objected to his animagus form.

“How can I be a stag?” whined James for the twenty-sixth time, “How could I end up as something so bloody useless? It’s ridiculous. How can I be a stag?”

“That’s the twenty-seventh time you’ve said that,” said Sirius idly, making another mark on his tally.

“You could show me some bloody sympathy you know. At least you get to be a dog. And Pete, lucky sod, gets to be a rat,” there was deep envy in James’ voice, “How did I manage to end up being a stag?”

“Twenty-eighth,” said Sirius boredly. He’d abandoned trying to cheer James up after the fifteenth repetition.

“Now be fair Sirius,” said Remus, “he phrased it slightly differently that time.”

“I don’t know,” said Peter, “it sounded pretty similar to me.”

“Yes but it wasn’t exactly the same.”

“I suppose you’re right,” said Sirius. “I’ll start another tally. How long has he being going now Pete?”

Peter checked his watch, “Seventeen minutes and thirty-six seconds.”

“Pay attention to me you bloody tossers. I am suffering from a tragedy of epic proportions. Pete gets to be a rat, which is just so cool and sneaky. We can use it in dozens of pranks and the eavesdropping potential is just stupendous.”

“Don’t forget the ability to get past locked and warded doors,” Peter smiling smugly.

“Not helping Pete,” said Sirius. 

James just kept on whining,

“And Sirius is a dog, which is less cool but actually quite useful given the whole reason we did this in the first place. But I am stag, which is of no use whatsoever. However did I manage to end up being a stag?”

“Do How and However count as the same Remus?” asked Sirius, sounding mildly interested.

“I guess so.”

“Okay then. Twenty-seven and two.”

“Can’t you do something with him, Sirius?” Peter appealed desperately. “Drag him off and give him a blow job or something?”

“I’m not sure even my ego can take someone exclaiming, ‘How can I be a stag’ while I’m trying to get them off.”

“Make him give you a blow job,” said Remus practically. “He’d have to shut up then.”

“All right.” Sirius heaved himself to his feet.

“I wish you’d stop talking about me like I’m not here,” said James pettishly.

“But you’re not, Jimmy dear, you’re stuck in indignation mode,” said Sirius. “Now come on, Pete and Remus have put up with you long enough.”

“I’m astonished you haven’t had enough of me too,” snapped James.

“Don’t be silly Jimmy dear, I get much better side benefits.” 

He flashed James a surprisingly sweet smile, "Come on Jim. While we’re gone, Pete and Remus are going to figure out a brilliant prank in which your ability to turn into a stag will be essential.” 

The smile he shot Remus and Peter wasn’t sweet in the slightest. He completely ignored Remus’ frantic hand gestures and Peter giving him two fingers, as he tugged James out the room.

-

From Peter and Remus’ half hour consultation came the Man-Eating Stag of Hyperion and his Deadly Elf Rider.

Sirius and Peter charmed the map to let them know when anybody entered the Forbidden Forest. Remus and James doctored each of the Dangerous Creature books in the library to include a page or two on Man-Eating Stags. Then James tackled and pinned a protesting Sirius to the floor while Peter and Remus experimented with cosmetics charms to turn him into an elf.

Their campaign to scare the wits out of every student who sneaked into the Forest was going great guns when a pesky Ministry Liaison Officer and six Aurors arrived to investigate rumors of elf raiding parties being the prelude to war. The saner pair of heads among the Marauders prevailed and no more was heard from the Man-Eating Stag of Hyperion. 

Sirius, who never knew when to stop, and Remus, who approved of winding up the Ministry on principle, were not happy. Sirius was pacified by James dragging him into a broom cupboard for a through molestation, but Remus sulked for days.


End file.
